HEARD IT SECOND HAND

The thing about second hands is that you've got to be the right sort to appreciate them. So many people look down on things just because someone else has had them first. Or maybe because they're not entirely new. But then what would that say about Charlie? He's no spring chicken and I think he's absolutely priceless. Not that Charlie has been had by someone else, I certainly think that he has not. But that is really not the direction I was going here.

Isabel says that she and I can appreciate a good second hand something because we are comfortable in our own skin and we enjoy the hunt. Isabel is so good with words, really, she should be penning the advice column, absolutely. And her advice is always spot on, you know. I would never think to compare being comfortable with enjoying a good browse thru a garage sale or trip to the Second Hand store. But I do. Enjoy the garage sales and Second Hand store, that is. And I've found some lovely things, too. Why just last summer I picked up a set of 6 Royal Albert tea cups, with saucers, at the Second Hand store. And what a good thing I did because my Women's Club is holding a tea cup drive at the moment, and now I have 6 tea cups already without even having to dip into my good china.

But it was really not the tea cups that day, but a nice gift for Betsy Perkins and her cat, Mr. Marmalade, that prompted me to head out again to the Second Hand store over on West Avenue. A very nice Korean man owns the shop. And though he doesn't speak but a lick of English, we manage to get on with one another quite well. Sometimes, if I'm looking for something in particular and don't see it on display, I'll act out what I'm looking for. Oh Mr. Hueng loves this. He, that's the Second Hand's owner, oh he'll laugh and then he'll act out his answer. Quite amusing, I think, to other customers. But we do enjoy our exchanges. So that day I was all prepared to act out the part of a cat, Mr. Marmalade to be exact. I even practiced round my garden. But there would be no shopping for kitty china once I popped in and found the Officers there.

When I arrived, Captain Leighton and another officer that I don't know where already in the Second Hand in the middle of a conversation with Mr. Heung. Well you can imagine how difficult the discussion was, what with Captain Leighton wanting specific details and poor Mr. Heung trying to act out something that even I couldn't quite understand. He waived frantically, Mr. Heung that is, when he saw me enter. "Missa Toonup" he yelled, and that would be me, except that Mr. Heung pronounces my last name 'Toonup' instead of Turnip. And Missus he pronounces 'Missa'. Not to worry, though, because I know exactly what he is saying so I went straight over to the officer's and offered to help.

Oh well, they said, official police business, privileged and top secret things and what not. But I said to them, they'll get no where fast with Mr. Heung the way they're going about it and it's best to accept a bit of favor when favor is offered. "Missa Toonup", Mr. Heung pointed at me nodding his head yes furiously, trying his utmost to convey to the officers that I could, indeed, be of assistance.

Now it seems that someone found a necklace belonging to Babson Hurley in the Second Hand. It was a lovely, turquoise piece made by Diane Schratweiser personally. I remember when Babson got the necklace, it was at an event held by our Women's club and Diane Schratweiser had a jewelry showing there and we all fought over that particular piece. Well, naturally Babson was able to out big us all and then wore it, the necklace that is, when ever she felt like showing off. Just as well, though, it was for charity and all that. So I did indeed recognize the necklace, sitting right there in the front of the display case. Why, had I arrived before the officers I would have recognized it straight off. But apparently, Iggy Braithwaite had been in before me and alerted Captain Leighton. "Babs would never hawk her Diane Schratweiser," Iggy is supposed to have said. Which is absolutely true, but more intriguing is that Iggy Braithwaite was shopping in the Second Hand. Mind you, I'm a tremendous fan of the Second Hand, but I'm quite upfront about that, too. Iggy, on the other hand, maintains a certain air of Retail Snobbery that forbids shopping the Second Hand, and I dare say she would faint at the thought of a garage sale. Yes, the Second Hand and garage sales are Isabel and my territory. I'm sure that Isabel would have something brilliant to say about Iggy's being in the Second Hand.

But the point here is that Babson Hurley's Diane Schratweiser turquoise necklace has ended up in the Second Hand without Babson's permission. And what's more, the police were quite positive that this exact same piece is one that had been lifted by The Burglar just a few weeks ago from the Hurley's home. Well, naturally, they wanted a bit of an explanation from Mr. Heung. The officers, that is. Not the Hurleys. I did my best to convey the situation to Mr. Heung.

I pretended to crawl thru a window and tip toe through the store, pretended to look to my right and left and then nick a piece of jewelry into my bag and tip toe away. Well, Mr. Heung does do well at this and in no time he was pointing at me and shouting out, he does shout quite a bit, "Boiler! Boiler! Yes! Boiler!". I returned what I'd pretended to nick and got down to my job of translating. I picked up the necklace and pretended to enter the store and pretend to sell it to Mr. Heung. He got that pretty well and I think he understood enough to begin giving the police quite a good description of the person who sold him the necklace.

I was very impressed with Mr. Heung, but I'm quite disappointed in Captain Leighton's response. "A white male, you think, taller than five feet two inches and had some sort of hair, maybe." Captain Leighton and the other officer kept shaking their heads in that frazzled, disappointed way that Mr. Petigrew tends to do. Well, I thought that they'd made quite a bit of progress, I told them. Narrowing things down, the way they had.

"Mrs. Turnip," Captain Leighton sighed, "you've been very helpful, but since 98% of this town is white, we really haven't narrowed it down much at all". Ah but, I reminded them, only half of the town is male, so now the field has been narrowed to 48%. And with that, I once again forgot to pick out a nice set of china for Betsy and Mr. Marmalade, just so excited I was to run straight over to The Weekly.

Mr. Petigrew was absolutely astounded when I told him that I'd just assisted the police with an interrogation. "Why you?" he kept asking, scratching that shiny head of his. Well, I explained, they had no choice, "Mr. Heung doesn't speak English!". Once again, Mr. Petigrew mumbled something about how he really should have taken a look at my qualifications earlier and actually, how funny he is, said he had no idea that I speak Korean. "I don't speak Korean at all!" I laughed. Just as well, he, Mr. Petigrew that is, was able to run a nice big headline saying "Police Narrow Search for Burglar To All White Male's over 5 ft 2 inches".

Mr. Petigrew even managed some sort of smile this week when I turned in my column.

Dear Veronica,
My neighbor seems to have found my golf clubs in his house. Says he found them one morning sitting by a broken window. I absolutely had no part in leaving them there, or even taking them there in the first place. He claims he didn't take them, and went further than that by saying he wouldn't have them even as a gift.
Four

Dear Four,
People do find the oddest things in their houses, especially atics. I once found a box full of old Barbie dolls, most with their hair cut off. Anyway, I think a nice thank you note would have been more appropriate on your neighbor's part. Still, you can't very well take them back now that you've given them, despite the ungracious attitude.
Veronica